Dear EMS,
You guys are hopeless, and I suspect very short midget gas bags who don't know Jack about baseball. You just criticize without ever offering any suggestions.
Sincerely,
Grandma
Fair enough. Put this in your pipe and smoke it granny.
With all the normal caveats that none of this will happen, our current staff recommendation is to offer Randy Winn*, Dave Roberts, Patrick Misch and 3 million bucks to the Twinks for Torii Hunter. The taller staffers are somewhat skeptical but the little dudes are right down with this deal.
The Twinkies would get two players under contract for a couple more years, a promising young lefty and enough cash to even out the dollars this year for a guy who will cost a whole lot more next season and will probably be collecting those checks from some other team.
The Giants get a very nice CF for the rest of the year and open up an outfield slot for Freddy or Schierholtz. Hunter most likely would be nothing more than a rental and leave as a free agent next year but that's not the worst case scenario for the Giants. A team that really, really, really needs to reboot the farm could make good use of a couple of compensatory picks should Hunter bolt. The nice bonus would be payroll clearance with Roberts and Winn under performing elsewhere.
Or Sabes could just sit on this little gold mine he has built here and do nothing. He is not a particularly tall man. Perhaps it is best to lay low. As if he could do otherwise.
* Yes we know Randy Winn has a no trade golden parachute and he could put the kibosh to the whole deal. Just work with me here, people.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Friday, July 27, 2007
Little Person Hops
There is a profound sense of anxiety permeating through the corridors of the EMS corporate office. If Bob Costas can be called upon the carpet for commenting on a sport he has never played or knows jack about, where does that leave us here in Strawman Towers? We exist only to offer unenlightened opinions about stuff we know little about. I have a full time staff devoted to nothing but inappropriate journalism. We have never owned a baseball team. Should we be therefore shamed into only offering glowing testimonials to Magowan? Have we been grievously untoward to question the wisdom in ballplayers hanging out with strippers?
We certainly understand the immense power we have as inappropriate journalists from the countless emails we get telling us about how many times we have turned someone from the dark side to the nirvana of our unique and clearly superior world view. We take few stands here. We are basically just in this thing for the chicks and the insane salary. Still, we simply must be able to freely criticize, unfairly, free of the criticism from those little people who have never spent years in blog training. Bad mouthing the Giants is a right, man
What with all the nastiness surrounding various professional sports figures these day it will be refreshing to see the out pouring of love from the SF fans for Armando Benitez this weekend.
I will be off to the wilds of southern Oregon for Mrs. Swing's family reunion. The EMS universe will be on hold for a few days.
We certainly understand the immense power we have as inappropriate journalists from the countless emails we get telling us about how many times we have turned someone from the dark side to the nirvana of our unique and clearly superior world view. We take few stands here. We are basically just in this thing for the chicks and the insane salary. Still, we simply must be able to freely criticize, unfairly, free of the criticism from those little people who have never spent years in blog training. Bad mouthing the Giants is a right, man
What with all the nastiness surrounding various professional sports figures these day it will be refreshing to see the out pouring of love from the SF fans for Armando Benitez this weekend.
I will be off to the wilds of southern Oregon for Mrs. Swing's family reunion. The EMS universe will be on hold for a few days.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Thursday Thoughts
I heard that Barry Bonds called Bob Costas a midget. It's probably an understandable, heat of the moment, off the cuff type of statement but I wonder what sort of self image body blow Bonds' lack of little people sensitivity will have on the vertically challenged Ray Durham. I am guessing Marvin Benard is already rounding up past Fightin' Hydrants and any available ladders to climb up and punch Bonds in the nose.
Speaking of Marvin, the Giants need some better stank eye. They seem like decent enough guys but they sure don't appear to fire up easily. Couldn't they at least pretend to get pissed off once in awhile? Then again, they do have their people to handle that sort of thing, I guess. Maybe, their wives and mistresses could have some sort of throw down in the stands. I am not convinced it would lead to any more wins but it would be a sure fire ratings winner. Just a thought.
Nice win last night. Lowry was great and Feliz is having one of those tantalizing hot streaks that convinces Sabes to bring him back and give him a nice raise every year. Apparently, Sabes is away on vacation during those much longer periods when Pedro is in his demoralizing cold streaks.
Speaking of Marvin, the Giants need some better stank eye. They seem like decent enough guys but they sure don't appear to fire up easily. Couldn't they at least pretend to get pissed off once in awhile? Then again, they do have their people to handle that sort of thing, I guess. Maybe, their wives and mistresses could have some sort of throw down in the stands. I am not convinced it would lead to any more wins but it would be a sure fire ratings winner. Just a thought.
Nice win last night. Lowry was great and Feliz is having one of those tantalizing hot streaks that convinces Sabes to bring him back and give him a nice raise every year. Apparently, Sabes is away on vacation during those much longer periods when Pedro is in his demoralizing cold streaks.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
These Kids today
We are at the crossroads here, people. Maybe other teams will take the assorted detritus of despair the Giants run out there every night. While that doesn't seem likely anything is possible, I guess. For the sake of argument and my sanity, let's just say the Giants can open a little roster space. What comes next?
My secretary has a great big crush on Larry Baer but even she refuses believe the rebuild talk coming out of the front office. We just can’t imagine Mags willingly fielding a lineup of unknown quantities. Unfortunately, we don’t have to imagine the known and frightening quantities out there now. We would like to believe that would be enough to induce a sea change of a Pacific Ocean type scope and grandeur. We are used to being disappointed, though.
No matter how the staff massages the reports the data remains consistent. The Giants don’t have a lot of options that vary much from the limited options they generally endure. Trading highly coveted players is tough enough. Trading highly un-coveted players is like wrangling coherence out of Ozzie Osbourne. Still, it’s certainly worth the old college try. Otherwise Mags will have to buy into a few more contracts to eat so that the mythical young players, just waiting to emerge, can be squeezed onto the big club. If they can jump over that enchilada then Sabean must somehow be convinced that young players do not represent all that is evil in this world. Again, a nasty leap of faith there, I tell you. After that, the final level on the Wii only comes by cajoling Bochy into benching the remaining oldsters and tolerating the cruel fluctuations of agony and ecstasy that are the timeless certainties with young ball players.
Will Mags jump at this opportunity to rebuild knowing that the front runner butts may well be vacating their lucrative seats in the ol’ ball yard if the local nine is as anonymous as a composite drawing? I doubt it.
My secretary has a great big crush on Larry Baer but even she refuses believe the rebuild talk coming out of the front office. We just can’t imagine Mags willingly fielding a lineup of unknown quantities. Unfortunately, we don’t have to imagine the known and frightening quantities out there now. We would like to believe that would be enough to induce a sea change of a Pacific Ocean type scope and grandeur. We are used to being disappointed, though.
No matter how the staff massages the reports the data remains consistent. The Giants don’t have a lot of options that vary much from the limited options they generally endure. Trading highly coveted players is tough enough. Trading highly un-coveted players is like wrangling coherence out of Ozzie Osbourne. Still, it’s certainly worth the old college try. Otherwise Mags will have to buy into a few more contracts to eat so that the mythical young players, just waiting to emerge, can be squeezed onto the big club. If they can jump over that enchilada then Sabean must somehow be convinced that young players do not represent all that is evil in this world. Again, a nasty leap of faith there, I tell you. After that, the final level on the Wii only comes by cajoling Bochy into benching the remaining oldsters and tolerating the cruel fluctuations of agony and ecstasy that are the timeless certainties with young ball players.
Will Mags jump at this opportunity to rebuild knowing that the front runner butts may well be vacating their lucrative seats in the ol’ ball yard if the local nine is as anonymous as a composite drawing? I doubt it.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Post Viral Musings
I don't know about you but I am pretty sure I didn't grow up clinging desperately to the trade deadline as the highlight of the season. It's not like I was all that intuitive and wise either. I once spent 2 and 1/2 hours at a Rare Earth concert listening to them butcher their ridiculous 5 song set. There is just so many times a band can go to the 15 minute drum solo well but the guys apparently didn't get the memo. I am vaguely certain that I was experiencing some sort of altered reality at the time but even that couldn't steel me sufficiently for such horror. Of course, it wasn't as bad as the Jan Hammer Group at a Day on the Green, but what could be?
Speaking of classic rock, I am guessing middle aged, northeast coaster Sabean has a lot of J. Geils on his I-pod. If he has a Matt Morris for a bag of three day old donuts trade in him, it would certainly blow my face out. I could forgive Bochy's Carpenters collection if he would actually let someone who wasn't alive when the Four Seasons were topping the charts play. You just know that Mags has an Air Supply poster on a wall in his house somewhere.
I am sorry for the grievous break in the action here but the staff has simply been flummoxed by the Trojan Vundo of Satan that has toyed with us relentlessly the last few days. Sure, I like the penis enhancement pop ups, they are always informative, but the 10 thousand other daily spam reminders are taxing the mainframe aplenty. Hopefully, the tech staff has this thing ironed out but every time I go down to the dark cellar where I keep them chained to their servers, I smell reefer and Rare Earth is on full blast. Technology is great right up to the moment it isn't.
Speaking of classic rock, I am guessing middle aged, northeast coaster Sabean has a lot of J. Geils on his I-pod. If he has a Matt Morris for a bag of three day old donuts trade in him, it would certainly blow my face out. I could forgive Bochy's Carpenters collection if he would actually let someone who wasn't alive when the Four Seasons were topping the charts play. You just know that Mags has an Air Supply poster on a wall in his house somewhere.
I am sorry for the grievous break in the action here but the staff has simply been flummoxed by the Trojan Vundo of Satan that has toyed with us relentlessly the last few days. Sure, I like the penis enhancement pop ups, they are always informative, but the 10 thousand other daily spam reminders are taxing the mainframe aplenty. Hopefully, the tech staff has this thing ironed out but every time I go down to the dark cellar where I keep them chained to their servers, I smell reefer and Rare Earth is on full blast. Technology is great right up to the moment it isn't.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Sorry
I have had a tough day battling evil and pernicious computer viruses. This may be the same bad juju infecting the Giants. I will be back to driveling soon.
Monday, July 16, 2007
Sell This Team
Given any option at all I would happily fill my tv viewing hours with sports, the History Channel and Skinemax. However, as a fully domesticated 21st century husband, modern mores dictate that I must devote at least one hour a week watching some show that Mrs. Swing and I can enjoy together. We watch Sell This House on A&E. I am not being noble here. While the show is actually quite informative and helpful, I just watch for Tanya Memme. She could repaint my rec room anytime, if you catch my leering drift.
Every episode is based around what home sellers need to do to entice potential buyers to cough up the offers. Big, beefy Roger, the power lifting decorator, coldly shames the homeowners into dismantling that life size replica of Vince Lombardi built out of beer cans they have in the living room. The black and orange wallpaper in the den is replaced by just the right shade of mauve. Following a couple of dumpster loads of almost every other thing not nailed down, the offers pour in. It's simple, easy and cost effective. Ah, were it only so for your San Francisco Giants.
Despite every trick Roger has at his command, the poor decorating choices Sabean has made can not be so readily dispensed. It's like the billboard sized matador on black velvet has been welded to the wall above the the mantle. TNT couldn't move that. The pecky cedar paneling is as institutionalized and permanent as the pyramids. The avocado colored kitchen appliances run on kerosene. George Clooney couldn't even get lucky with post stir Paris Hilton on that purple shag carpet in front of the pellet stove. Mere cosmetic changes are well nigh impossible to pull off when the foundation has dropped two feet under the garage. The Giants have become that shack under the airport landing path, next to the sewer treatment plant, infected by root rot. The local Hell's Angel chapter just moved out of the neighborhood because it had become a bad influence on their kids.
Never have Roger's special gifts been more in demand.
Every episode is based around what home sellers need to do to entice potential buyers to cough up the offers. Big, beefy Roger, the power lifting decorator, coldly shames the homeowners into dismantling that life size replica of Vince Lombardi built out of beer cans they have in the living room. The black and orange wallpaper in the den is replaced by just the right shade of mauve. Following a couple of dumpster loads of almost every other thing not nailed down, the offers pour in. It's simple, easy and cost effective. Ah, were it only so for your San Francisco Giants.
Despite every trick Roger has at his command, the poor decorating choices Sabean has made can not be so readily dispensed. It's like the billboard sized matador on black velvet has been welded to the wall above the the mantle. TNT couldn't move that. The pecky cedar paneling is as institutionalized and permanent as the pyramids. The avocado colored kitchen appliances run on kerosene. George Clooney couldn't even get lucky with post stir Paris Hilton on that purple shag carpet in front of the pellet stove. Mere cosmetic changes are well nigh impossible to pull off when the foundation has dropped two feet under the garage. The Giants have become that shack under the airport landing path, next to the sewer treatment plant, infected by root rot. The local Hell's Angel chapter just moved out of the neighborhood because it had become a bad influence on their kids.
Never have Roger's special gifts been more in demand.
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