A Wee Bit

Dear EMS,

You guys are hopeless, and I suspect very short midget gas bags who don't know Jack about baseball. You just criticize without ever offering any suggestions.

Sincerely,

Grandma

Fair enough. Put this in your pipe and smoke it granny.

With all the normal caveats that none of this will happen, our current staff recommendation is to offer Randy Winn*, Dave Roberts, Patrick Misch and 3 million bucks to the Twinks for Torii Hunter. The taller staffers are somewhat skeptical but the little dudes are right down with this deal.

The Twinkies would get two players under contract for a couple more years, a promising young lefty and enough cash to even out the dollars this year for a guy who will cost a whole lot more next season and will probably be collecting those checks from some other team.

The Giants get a very nice CF for the rest of the year and open up an outfield slot for Freddy or Schierholtz. Hunter most likely would be nothing more than a rental and leave as a free agent next year but that's not the worst case scenario for the Giants. A team that really, really, really needs to reboot the farm could make good use of a couple of compensatory picks should Hunter bolt. The nice bonus would be payroll clearance with Roberts and Winn under performing elsewhere.

Or Sabes could just sit on this little gold mine he has built here and do nothing. He is not a particularly tall man. Perhaps it is best to lay low. As if he could do otherwise.

* Yes we know Randy Winn has a no trade golden parachute and he could put the kibosh to the whole deal. Just work with me here, people.

Little Person Hops

There is a profound sense of anxiety permeating through the corridors of the EMS corporate office. If Bob Costas can be called upon the carpet for commenting on a sport he has never played or knows jack about, where does that leave us here in Strawman Towers? We exist only to offer unenlightened opinions about stuff we know little about. I have a full time staff devoted to nothing but inappropriate journalism. We have never owned a baseball team. Should we be therefore shamed into only offering glowing testimonials to Magowan? Have we been grievously untoward to question the wisdom in ballplayers hanging out with strippers?

We certainly understand the immense power we have as inappropriate journalists from the countless emails we get telling us about how many times we have turned someone from the dark side to the nirvana of our unique and clearly superior world view. We take few stands here. We are basically just in this thing for the chicks and the insane salary. Still, we simply must be able to freely criticize, unfairly, free of the criticism from those little people who have never spent years in blog training. Bad mouthing the Giants is a right, man

What with all the nastiness surrounding various professional sports figures these day it will be refreshing to see the out pouring of love from the SF fans for Armando Benitez this weekend.


I will be off to the wilds of southern Oregon for Mrs. Swing's family reunion. The EMS universe will be on hold for a few days.

Thursday Thoughts

I heard that Barry Bonds called Bob Costas a midget. It's probably an understandable, heat of the moment, off the cuff type of statement but I wonder what sort of self image body blow Bonds' lack of little people sensitivity will have on the vertically challenged Ray Durham. I am guessing Marvin Benard is already rounding up past Fightin' Hydrants and any available ladders to climb up and punch Bonds in the nose.

Speaking of Marvin, the Giants need some better stank eye. They seem like decent enough guys but they sure don't appear to fire up easily. Couldn't they at least pretend to get pissed off once in awhile? Then again, they do have their people to handle that sort of thing, I guess. Maybe, their wives and mistresses could have some sort of throw down in the stands. I am not convinced it would lead to any more wins but it would be a sure fire ratings winner. Just a thought.

Nice win last night. Lowry was great and Feliz is having one of those tantalizing hot streaks that convinces Sabes to bring him back and give him a nice raise every year. Apparently, Sabes is away on vacation during those much longer periods when Pedro is in his demoralizing cold streaks.

These Kids today

We are at the crossroads here, people. Maybe other teams will take the assorted detritus of despair the Giants run out there every night. While that doesn't seem likely anything is possible, I guess. For the sake of argument and my sanity, let's just say the Giants can open a little roster space. What comes next?

My secretary has a great big crush on Larry Baer but even she refuses believe the rebuild talk coming out of the front office. We just can’t imagine Mags willingly fielding a lineup of unknown quantities. Unfortunately, we don’t have to imagine the known and frightening quantities out there now. We would like to believe that would be enough to induce a sea change of a Pacific Ocean type scope and grandeur. We are used to being disappointed, though.

No matter how the staff massages the reports the data remains consistent. The Giants don’t have a lot of options that vary much from the limited options they generally endure. Trading highly coveted players is tough enough. Trading highly un-coveted players is like wrangling coherence out of Ozzie Osbourne. Still, it’s certainly worth the old college try. Otherwise Mags will have to buy into a few more contracts to eat so that the mythical young players, just waiting to emerge, can be squeezed onto the big club. If they can jump over that enchilada then Sabean must somehow be convinced that young players do not represent all that is evil in this world. Again, a nasty leap of faith there, I tell you. After that, the final level on the Wii only comes by cajoling Bochy into benching the remaining oldsters and tolerating the cruel fluctuations of agony and ecstasy that are the timeless certainties with young ball players.

Will Mags jump at this opportunity to rebuild knowing that the front runner butts may well be vacating their lucrative seats in the ol’ ball yard if the local nine is as anonymous as a composite drawing? I doubt it.

Post Viral Musings

I don't know about you but I am pretty sure I didn't grow up clinging desperately to the trade deadline as the highlight of the season. It's not like I was all that intuitive and wise either. I once spent 2 and 1/2 hours at a Rare Earth concert listening to them butcher their ridiculous 5 song set. There is just so many times a band can go to the 15 minute drum solo well but the guys apparently didn't get the memo. I am vaguely certain that I was experiencing some sort of altered reality at the time but even that couldn't steel me sufficiently for such horror. Of course, it wasn't as bad as the Jan Hammer Group at a Day on the Green, but what could be?

Speaking of classic rock, I am guessing middle aged, northeast coaster Sabean has a lot of J. Geils on his I-pod. If he has a Matt Morris for a bag of three day old donuts trade in him, it would certainly blow my face out. I could forgive Bochy's Carpenters collection if he would actually let someone who wasn't alive when the Four Seasons were topping the charts play. You just know that Mags has an Air Supply poster on a wall in his house somewhere.

I am sorry for the grievous break in the action here but the staff has simply been flummoxed by the Trojan Vundo of Satan that has toyed with us relentlessly the last few days. Sure, I like the penis enhancement pop ups, they are always informative, but the 10 thousand other daily spam reminders are taxing the mainframe aplenty. Hopefully, the tech staff has this thing ironed out but every time I go down to the dark cellar where I keep them chained to their servers, I smell reefer and Rare Earth is on full blast. Technology is great right up to the moment it isn't.

Sorry

I have had a tough day battling evil and pernicious computer viruses. This may be the same bad juju infecting the Giants. I will be back to driveling soon.

Sell This Team

Given any option at all I would happily fill my tv viewing hours with sports, the History Channel and Skinemax. However, as a fully domesticated 21st century husband, modern mores dictate that I must devote at least one hour a week watching some show that Mrs. Swing and I can enjoy together. We watch Sell This House on A&E. I am not being noble here. While the show is actually quite informative and helpful, I just watch for Tanya Memme. She could repaint my rec room anytime, if you catch my leering drift.

Every episode is based around what home sellers need to do to entice potential buyers to cough up the offers. Big, beefy Roger, the power lifting decorator, coldly shames the homeowners into dismantling that life size replica of Vince Lombardi built out of beer cans they have in the living room. The black and orange wallpaper in the den is replaced by just the right shade of mauve. Following a couple of dumpster loads of almost every other thing not nailed down, the offers pour in. It's simple, easy and cost effective. Ah, were it only so for your San Francisco Giants.

Despite every trick Roger has at his command, the poor decorating choices Sabean has made can not be so readily dispensed. It's like the billboard sized matador on black velvet has been welded to the wall above the the mantle. TNT couldn't move that. The pecky cedar paneling is as institutionalized and permanent as the pyramids. The avocado colored kitchen appliances run on kerosene. George Clooney couldn't even get lucky with post stir Paris Hilton on that purple shag carpet in front of the pellet stove. Mere cosmetic changes are well nigh impossible to pull off when the foundation has dropped two feet under the garage. The Giants have become that shack under the airport landing path, next to the sewer treatment plant, infected by root rot. The local Hell's Angel chapter just moved out of the neighborhood because it had become a bad influence on their kids.

Never have Roger's special gifts been more in demand.

Dodger Blues

The conventional wisdom winging around cyberspace seems to be split into two camps. One side is convinced that extending Sabean means Bonds will be shown the door after the season. Others argue that Bonds will be back next year because Sabean represents a stay the course strategy. While I possess some conventional wisdom (I picked up some very helpful hints at the last convention in Orlando) I have no theory to offer. I am only truly confident in postulating that whatever the Giants do or don't do will both confuse and vex me. I know that building a World Series winner is more art than science. Fine. Get to painting!!!!

Losing is bad enough. Losing to the Dog Poopies is like chewing on tinfoil. Can there ever be anything honest and beautiful in this world when Jeff Kent and Brett Tomko get to enjoy even a moment of pleasure?

Few things in life will ever be more important than Morris pitching a 2 hit shutout on national TV today. The difference between a shutout or giving up 6 runs in the first inning can not be understated. Pitch that gem and the Giants might be able to trade him for a marginal, though still breathing ball player. If Morris gets rocked Plan M comes into play. We really don't want to see Plan M implemented.

What do the Runes Tell Us?

Returning from their extended vacation, the Giants start the second half on Friday the 13th. Has there ever been a more apt omen of pain and misery than that? Fortunately for the superstitious players, there is no inconvenient winning streak forcing them to wear the same socks until the they lose a game. In fact, Magowan is already complaining about the massive sock budget. These dudes have to change socks almost every day.

After consulting the Shaman we keep on retainer here, we are seeing signs that the Giants will indeed play more games. That appears to be almost certain. The Shaman is waffling on the winning part. While he is supremely confident the world will end on February 8, 2047 and that Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump will secretly marry next month, he just won't commit to any Giants win. I am not at all sure why I keep this clown on the payroll. The Giants will win a game sometime in the second half. I sense it. I sense that I will soon be partying in the Rio with Salma Hayek too. One of these visions has to be true doesn't it?

Here's to rubbing that lucky rabbit's foot.*

In other news, Bochy just announced that he will be resting the vets tonight because the grueling 4 day break has just wiped these guys out. Can you imagine the strain these players endure from just lugging their wallet around? When you couple that with slow room service and particularly energetic strippers it's a wonder sometimes these athletes can perform at all.

* Of course, luck is relative. Next time you see a three legged rabbit ask him how his luck has been lately.

Get Back to Play!!

Did I mention that I hate off days? I guess, on some sort of primal level, I understand the hurdles in traveling clear across the country and still squeezing in a twi-night double header are daunting at best. Still, these guys are paid well and they get really good looking chicks. I say playing everyday is not nearly as taxing as sneaking around with strippers. The problem for me is the gravy train around here doesn't stop because these pansies need 3 or 4 days off. My staff doesn't come cheap, you know. It also interferes with my pursuit of strippers to sneak around with to have to come up with make do work for the help. The lack of new things to whine about while the Giants extend their R&R compels me to rehash the ongoing non- story of the week; The Sabean Saga.

Two questions appear to be at the core of the matter. Why does Magowan want Sabean to stay and, more perplexing, why does Sabean want to stay? It could be that the reports of the Giants offering an extension are bogus. It could be...

All right then, sir, what else is happening? It looks like Ichiro is re-upping with the Mariners. Scratch him off the list. Torii Hunter dissed Corporate Naming Rights Park the other day. Put him into the "I like the school system in every city other than San Francisco excuse" category. Free agent hitters haven't demonstrated a strong desire to come to the land of 410 foot fly ball outs lately so restocking the easy way with strapping young sluggers (and their corresponding stripper gaggle) is probably a sweet but ultimately crushing dream. I am getting a strong Mike Cameron vibe and that is never healthy. I am somewhat assuaged by the fact that Mike is still only in his middle 30's so the inevitable multi year Cameron contract is probably 5 years away. I could be killed in a tragic kiln accident by then.

Did I mention that I hate off days?

Mr. Mays

The Giants don't do much winning lately but they do ceremony better than anyone else. The tribute to Willie Mays was fabulous. There certainly wasn't a dry eye around these here parts. Willie became my one enduring sports idol when I was 7 or 8 and to this day remains a direct connection to heaven between my dad and me. My old man taught me many things and learning about Willie was one of the important lessons. That I still get a thrill whenever I see Willie is a sweet testimony to baseball, fathers and sons and Mr. Mays himself. Well done.

Now from the sublime to the ridiculous, the current state of the Giants. What to do. While my heart says sell, sell, sell, my head says listen to your pancreas. That organ offers a reasonable argument for making some trades but not necessarily for minor leaguers. I am not sure I want to see a bunch of non shavers out there on the field next year. I clearly don't want a bunch of aging dollar vacuums either. Ideally, the Giants should have a better mix of fresh faced kids, reliable players in the middle of their career and some crafty older vets. Lavishing a 100 million clams on some guy who is already in his 30's does not seem like the best of ideas. Spreading that dough around to some younger and hungrier vets in their mid to late 20's makes more sense to me. Easier said than done, though.

And who will be the puppet master? Reports this morning indicate that Sabean might be back after all. Those voices that TV reporter back east was hearing may have been drunk. At any rate I suggest close police scrutiny on this journalist. What are those voices going to instruct him to do next?

The Sabean Watch

I have had my people contacting other people who might know people who could be Sabean's people and all these people are saying something. I don't know what they are saying but I am certain it is pertinent to the issue at hand. Is Sabean cleaning out his locker today? Some obscure TV reporter in some obscure town on the East Coast claims he is hearing that Sabean will be severely axed over the All Star break. The dude apparently has extraordinary ears.

If Sabean is indeed the proverbial toasted pastry can Lou Seal be far behind? Mags is surely not going to limit his scapegoating and insistence upon underlings falling on sacrificial scimitars to just the GM is he? When the purge comes it will be bloody and frightening. Mike Murphy will probably get a sweet golden parachute but almost everyone else will be scorched, baby. Greg Papa is a steady journeyman. He will land softly somewhere. I worry about Bip Roberts.

Speaking of Lou Seal, Fuego has been absolutely tearing it up in Fresno. Where he used to struggle with the rubbing the bald guy's head gag, he has worked on that shtick religiously. It's now a strength. If he can get some sort of handle on high fiving third base coaches he could help the big club right now. No doubt Fuego is jonesing about the Sabean regime coming to an end..He didn't put in all this time in the bush leagues just to sit behind Lou for two or three seasons before he gets the opportunity to do the tee shirt toss everyday. Fuego is hungry...

Monday, Monday

I find that I am not at all interested in the All Star Game. It's a meaningless snooze under the best of circumstances. If the Giants had more than one participant I might work up enough enthusiasm to bust away from stripping the deck to watch an inning or two. Then again, probably not.

I loved the original Home Run Derby TV show they had in the 60's. Of course, I was 9 years old at the time. This lash up they run now is as stale and uninteresting as the parade of pastels and clever little wines up in the corporate boxes. Let's add some spice. The contestants not only have to hit a home run but they have to go into the stands and fight the memorabilia dealers for the ball. If they hit one into the cove, they should have to swim out and fetch the ball then jump on a unicycle and pedal around the park. They could seed the water with sharks for an extra challenge.

I wonder if they will pad the ball dude roster with all stars as well. They could bring in movie stars who have portrayed baseball players. Kevin Costner must have 30 baseball movies under his belt. He could be one. John Goodman did the worst imitation of a ball player since Anthony Perkins. That should be enough to nab a spot on the little stool. Robert Redford is over a 100 years old. He seems ideal. Tony Danza!!!

I caught about 30 seconds of the Futures Game and saw Brian Bocock actually draw a walk. In all the excitement he must have forgotten that he is a Giants farm hand.

What are the chances Seligula will crash the Jay-Z party? Bud seems terminally stiff but maybe that's just his public persona. A couple of belts and he could be dancing on the bar in his tighty whites. You never know.

Checking In

So....Just got back from driving with the lovely Mrs. Swing and two of the junior Swings clean up to South Dakota. We made the Jackson Hole to Reno run yesterday which featured the blazing desert fire march along almost the entire I-80 corridor of Nevada. Through the smoke and dust and 50 mph winds I finally was able to tune into the Giants game just outside Lovelock. The first thing I heard was Ray Durham grounding into a double play and I knew I was home.

I just perused the World Wide Web and I see that Freddy is back, Nate is gone and there appears to be any number of new middle relievers. I also see the assorted changes have not moved the Giants out of last place. I don't seem to have missed many wins.

I guess I will have to gather up the staff and begin anew with the thorough and important research we do around here. No more sucking up the easy money on the DL. Time to go to work, work, work. Well, maybe after the All Star Break.